The Humor Will Return - Not Just Yet

By Steve Young
(From the October 2001 issue of "Written By")

September 12, 2001 - My business is humor: comedy, satire. I create it. I write about others who create it. I wake up every morning, take a look at the newspaper, the Internet, and the television to see what my kind of weird, off-center, sometimes sick perspective can do with any of it.

This morning I woke up at 5:30 PST and tried to do what I do every morning. Only today my mind wasn't buzzing with how I can make something funny. It now seems that part of me has been locked out. Shelved for a time... Go to complete article.

I'm Not a Young Writer, But I Play One on TV
Tips on looking young enough to work in television
when you're older than 30.

Written By Steve Young
(From the September 2000 issue of "Written By")

Editor's Note: Author and WGA member Steve Young provided Written By an exclusive first look at his forthcoming book You'll Never Get Old in This Town Again: An Insider's Guide to Staying Hot in Hollywood Even When You're Not. Meant as a practical guide, You'll Never Get Old is a must read for television and film writers, actors, producers, directors, agents, executives, and others in Hollywood who, because of a few gray hairs, find themselves on the outside looking in. Here, then, is an excerpt from the chapter on television writers that offers trade secrets and essential techniques to get back in the game and on a staff.

Writers approaching the dreaded age of 40 (160 in writer years) are surprised to find they have reached writing limbo: too old to write adult sitcoms and still about 20 years too young to write children's books.

Of course, no one will ask how old you are. Network executives and showrunners have more surreptitious methods than the CIA to ferret out the facts. They first attempt to get you comfortable with a couple of easy ones, such as "What were the '60s and during what years did they fall?" Then, when they think you've let down your guard, they'll slip in a tricky one like, "Have you heard the new Kid Rock record?" Regular Tiger Beat research can make you sound like a Kid Rock stalker, but most agers tend to slip up on the "record" reference. Only real antiaging pros know that the proper response to the question is made with a baffled "Record?" accompanied by an RCA dog tilt of the head.

It takes more than Hair Care for Men to once again become an attractive candidate for episodic work. Simply lying about age is a nonstarter. Saying that you're 10 years younger than you are still leaves many at least 10 years older than they need to be. Stating any age is the mark of a rookie AARP member. It's more about the illusion you create.

Here are some tips, as well as illusions, to use in your next pitch meeting: (go to complete article)

	This article appeared in the LA Times.com edition

 Monday, April 29, 2002

COUNTERPUNCH
A Few Real-Life Shows to Rival 'Bachelor'
by Steve Young 

It’s over. Thank God! He’s made his selection and we men no longer have to sit in front of the TV, alternating between salivating over this bachelor’s unbelievable luck, and wanting to slap him across the face for how crappy our own miserable dating lives now seem in comparison (except when I met my lovely wife, right dear?).

If you are one of the handful who are somehow unaware of ABC’s latest hit reality series "The Bachelor," (final episode last Thursday) let me explain what you missed, and speaking for the guys, will never, ever be privy to.

For one hour each week a large part of Americana (highest rated in it’s time slot, 18-34 year olds) got to watch this guy, 31 year old Alex, courted by 25 women, each attempting to induce him to banish the 24 other gals leaving just that one to marry. Did I say courted? Throwing themselves at him was more like it. It just doesn’t seem fair. This guy lived the dream of every male east of West Hollywood, while the winsome females would find a week in the West Bank less volatile than the competition they had to deal with.

The first week found Alex, a Stanford MBA, the only man at a cocktail party with 25 women (come on) where he had the daunting task of selecting 15 who will move on to the next week while living in a sprawling Pacific Coast mansion. The 10 losers each received a consolation bachelor, 12 credits short of a Pierce Junior College Associates Degree.

Each succeeding week found Alex and his new friends yachting, horseback riding, Las Vegasing, New Yorking, Hawaiiing, visiting the women’s parents (I guess they stuck that one in to qualify as a real reality series) and exchanging enough saliva to float that yacht. Weekly he whittled the women down to 8, 4, 3, 2, until a single lady remained with which he may or may not end up marrying. For those of you who taped or are waiting for the summer rerun, please turn away from the paper while I tell you who Alex ended up selecting. It was 23 year old Kansas event planner, Amanda. And he's not even marrying her.  It ended up being an entire series to find out who he would DATE!  But who he picked is of much less consequence than the damage done to some young guy who is thinking, "this is how it’s gonna be, dude."

I don’t know about you but "The Bachelor" is so reminiscent of my bachelor days...right after I had my eighth 100 proof Southern Comfort Manhattan. Any hour of "The Bachelor" reminded me of that one special night that twenty-five women vied for my affection. And I didn’t have to be handsome or a millionaire to get that attention that hour. All I needed was $2500. A hundred each may not sound like lot, but remember, we’re talking the 90's where things were crazy. Marie Osmond had an ABC sitcom and a hundred dollars could get you a woman with a driver.

As a television writer, what really drives me nuts today, is that I didn’t think to pitch my "$2500 Night With Steve" to ABC back then. Or at least Fox. Another $50. to each girl and I know I could have gotten them to sign a release. Just like all my good ideas I thought it too obvious. At best, I thought I had an amateur video I could sell to my friends. Who knew that I could have gotten a 4.2 share rating/10 share in adults 18-49 and 9.2 million viewers?

While we’ll probably never be able to live out Alex’s reality, with ABC ready to order a second edition of "The Bachelor," it’s the perfect time to take for us guys to take advantage of what dreams and ratings Alex awakened. Even if you’re not in the business, it’s time to pull out some of those great past, almost forgotten, events in our lives (or were they just fantasies?), put together a show of your own and set up a meeting at every cable network you can think of. Here are some to get you started:

YOU CAN HAVE ANYONE YOU WANT (Comedy Central) - Each week Halle Berry, Pamela Anderson and Katie Couric fight over you.

THE NIGHT I’M PRETTY SURE SHE RETURNED MY GLANCE AT CHURCH (PAX) - Each week we select a woman from a completely different pew who may (or may not) be looking at you.

RIGHT NIGHT (Fox News Channel) - Ann Coulter, Laura Ingram and Bill O’Reilly vie for your affections AND your soul.

HARD NEWS (CNN) Ashley Banfield, Paula Zahn, and Christiane Amapour go to any war torn location you want.

FRIEND’S MOTHERS (Lifetime) Anne Bancroft, Kathleen Turner and Florence Henderson ask if you’re trying to seduce them

ONE MARTYR, 25 VIRGINS (FMT - Fundamentalist Muslim TV) The night I blew myself up for a important reason that I can’t remember today.

FRIGHT NIGHT (SciFi) Tammy Faye Baker, Martha Stewart and Joan Rivers keep jumping out from behind your bed.

HE...COULD...GO...ALL...THE...WAY (ESPN) Nude volleyball, nude basketball, nude NASCAR..

PUKE (MTV) You get to hang out with some of the top rock stars in history, age with them, and unable to let go of what you once were, you just become sad and pitiable.

SPONGEBOB NO PANTS (NICK) - Jessica Rabbit, Betty Rubble and Olive Oyl vie for your toon.

I DON'T THINK SO (Oxygen) - Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O’Donnell and The Indigo Girls almost show interest in you.  But then again, who ever thought "The Bachelor" would do these numbers.

(Steve Young, contributing editor at the WGA’s "Written By"magazine is a Prism Award winner and a Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing, has a regular column at newsandopinion.com and is author of the forthcoming book, "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful", Tallfellow Press Fall, 2002. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it )

	This article also appeared in LATimes.com edition.

 March 22, 2002

COMMENTARY

A Nonsensical Nonverdict on a $70-Million Nonissue

by Steve Young

[March 22, 2002 - Los Angeles]  After federal investigators spent more than $70 million, examined 10 million pages of documents and interviewed under oath more than 3,000 witnesses, independent prosecutor Robert Ray officially closed the Whitewater investigation, saying there was no proof tying the Clintons to criminal activities. But Ray added that the government also found no conclusive proof untying them to the crime.

"We're not really sure what all this means," Harvard professor of legal jargon Thom Thinthith said, "but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Then again, it could be." (go to complete article)

Britney Spears next in line to blast off into orbit

Millions line up to donate

By Steve Young

With a plethora of non-astronaut, celebrity travelers crowding the passenger lists of Russian and now American space flights, it figured that it wouldn't belong before the publicity would be too hard to resist for America's hottest twenty-one-year-old teen.

The latest celeb to plan for the trip is Pepsi diva Britney Spears who will be the first to not have to pay for the flight out of her own pocket. Millions of dollars are pouring in from all over the world wishing to support the Spear's trip into space. (Go to Complete Article)